All posts under Funny Dog

Part Two: “Miss Adventure” in Canine Classifieds

Posted online at 08:47 by Miss Adventure in reply to BigBen (see Part One “Miss…”) … BEN:

I saw you wink. That’s why I looked away. I was embarrassed because I couldn’t contain my excitement. The prancing around was to keep you from seeing my tail, which was wagging like crazy. I just couldn’t help myself!

You’re right about your owner’s clothes. If you got him to put on a polo shirt we could hook our owners up. Mine likes hometown heroes – and desperately needs one. Under that smiley face facade, her love life is a mess.

As for me, I’d dig a hole alongside a “strapping” male boxer who knows what he likes and will whine accordingly. So, even if I have to pounce on my owner a million times to get her out of bed, we’ll be there by 7 a.m.

And, I can’t tell a lie – I’m excited to see you again! And I’m impressed that you tracked me down. I like male dogs who are assertive. After all, I can throw caution to the wind now and then (hence the name). 07:00 it is.

Meet me at the fire hydrant! xo MISS ADVENTURE xo

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Part One: “Miss Adventure” in Canine Classifieds

Posted online at 08:43 by BigBen under “Classifieds: Missed Opportunities” …

ME:

I’m the strapping male boxer who winked and then whined non-stop in your direction. I was being led around by my well-built owner who wore a local fire department T-shirt, shabby khaki shorts and blue running shoes.

Please excuse his lack of personal style, but he’s fairly pragmatic. I, on the other hand, am quite romantic and will always show up dressed to kill (cats, that is – ha, ha). I’m loyal, protective and obedient – maybe to a fault.

YOU:

You’re one stunning canine; it was all I could do to take my eyes off of you! You were being led around by a brunette with a smiley face umbrella in one hand and a dainty pink poop bag in the other (yes, it was empty).

I couldn’t help but notice your shiny coat, your dainty trot and delicate way you pranced around that big old oak tree on the corner by the fire station looking for just the right spot to relieve yourself. I was impressed, to say the least.

I’d love to see you again tomorrow at 07:00 – or whatever time works for you!

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WBD Seeks LTR

Well-bred dog seeks long-term relationship with responsible owner. Must be housetrained and happy; OK to have a significant other. Open to serious inquiries only, as a matter of necessity. Prefer to live together full-time, but open to other possibilities. Qualities should include being: Sane, sound and reliable. Children, other pets and existing friendships are negotiable. Must love dogs, puppies, etc., and provide ample chew toys. Will receive, in return, many years of companionship, love and joy. There’s so much to share about what I’ve been through. Interested? RSVP asap – and thank you!

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Music To My Floppy Ears

Some noises,
Get on my nerves,
Like sirens going crazy.

Some noises,
Are easy to ignore,
Like wind kissing a daisy.

Some noises,
Should never occur,
Like fingernails on chalkboard.

Some noises,
Continue to rise and fall,
Like traffic outside our door.

Some noises,
Can’t be escaped,
Like kids’ excited shrieks.

Some noises,
Are best described,
As a lack of quiet and peace.

Still others,
When you make them,
Are music to my floppy ears:

“Come on!”
“Let’s go for a walk!”
And “How ‘bout I let you steer?”

Version 1 – Performed By David

Version 2 – Performed By Romany

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It Was The Dog In Me

You know that broken window?
The one the bone went through?
It was the dog in me.

You know that chewed up hose?
Of the garden variety?
That was the dog in me, too.

You know that missing red sock?
The one you loved so much?
Yeah; the dog in me got to it.

You know that important paper?
The one you looked all over for.
You guessed it … it was me.

You know that friend of yours?
The one whose scarf went missing?
OK, I admit it … it was the dog in me.

You know that time you were really late?
‘Cause you couldn’t find your keys?
Yup – that was the dog in me, too.

You know why I love you?
‘Cause no matter what I seem to do,
You always forgive the dog in me!

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That Other Dog

This is about that other dog,
The one you had me meet,
While we were walking down the street.

‘Cause I’m wondering,
If you’re preparing me for,
Something substantially more,

Than a simple playmate,
An occasional partner in crime,
Like a mere acquaintance o’mine.

I guess I really wonder,
If that dog and its owner,
Can be expected to come over,

And eat my tasty kibbles,
Have access to my water dish,
And drink it all up like a super thirsty fish.

‘Cause, while I hope you say “No”,
The way you stumbled and fumbled,
I’m pretty sure you humans are a couple.

So, what I want to tell you,
In my own not-so-subtle way is,
That other dog – from what I can tell – is totally A-OK.

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That Spot Right There

Oh, yeah!
You’ve got it,
Keep scratching,
That spot right there!

Okay, boy,
Now you’re talkin’, Keep diggin’ into, That spot right there!

Geez,
Who knew?
Nails felt so good on, That spot right there!

Wowsa!
I’m tellin’ ya,
There’s nothin’ finer than, That spot right there!

Genius!
That’s what you are, To consider scratching, That spot right there!

What?
You’re done?
Can’t you spare a minute more, For that spot right there?

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Doggie Delights

The sights,
And sounds,
Of doggie delights,

Are enough, To keep me, Up at night!

A fresh, Meaty bone.

A bright, Squeaky toy.

A new,
Bag o’food.

Heck, they all, Bring me joy!

A lawn,
Newly mowed.

A drink,
From the hose.

A run,
In the park.

Or a snack, After dark.

A ride,
In the truck.

My own, Hockey puck.

…but, the most delightful treat of all is you!

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A Howling Night

Most dogs are great, so tame and so quiet,
But even the best are occasionally compelled
To throw back their heads
And a loud howl expel.
This tale is one such night as you’ll see,
In the house of Farmer McFee.

Looking out at the stars, the farmer was glad.
The night of new moon meant peace for the night.
Had he but known that was not true,
Perhaps he would have left on a light.
But he did not, and as he lay down his head
Trigger lay down right next to the bed.

The farmer gave Trigger a pat
Then reached for his pills,
A cold he had fought for two weeks straight
He hoped with some sleep to cure all the ills
Of residual flu. A long restful night ought to do.
Beware McFee! Sleeping too sound can really hurt you.

The sound of their snores rattled the halls,
Waking the cat who extended her paws.
Time for some fun to pass through the night,
In a mouse-free house she’d need a new cause.
Distracted from thinking by snores all around
The cat slunk into the room, crouching low to the ground.

First she turned McFee’s head and closed his mouth,
He flipped a bit over and settled back down.
No more did he snore, his position was better,
Just as she planned, as she turned her attention round.
Trigger was next, but it was much crueler,
Poor boy, he’d never think of such a way to fool her.

“Pst Trigger.” Kitty whispered so close to his ear,
Trigger’s eyes barely made it open.
“Trigger I think McFee is quite dead.”
Now Trigger had never dealt with the death of men,
It wasn’t something he thought he would see,
So first he laughed softly then shifted his knees.

“Seriously! Trigger, don’t go back to sleep.
Listen!” Trigger perked up his ears and found not a sound,
Craning his neck he saw the farmer’s back,
An arm dropping down almost touching the ground.
Then he bolted up and felt a terrible fright,
Oh what a terrible, horrible, nightmarish night!

Trigger pushed his nose against McFee’s palm,
Then whimpered and whined hoping Kitty was wrong.
The farmer moved not, he made not a peep,
And that is when Trigger howled his song.
He went to the window, his soul full of tears,
Thinking of life, all the new pains and new fears.

He howled so loud it shook the panes of glass.
Kitty darted out her fur spiked, her back arched.
Trigger’s sorrow was bare into the darkest of nights,
Jilted awake, McFee’s thoughts quickly marched,
Taking in things that might cause such alarm,
The reaching out for a bat with his arm.

Finally he saw Trigger standing and moaning,
And there, no obvious issue,
McFee was now angry, and shook with sudden awareness.
He started to scream and reached for a tissue.
“Bad dog!” He cried out in the dead of the night.
“Bad dog!” He cried as he turned on the light.

Poor Trigger was taken to the room at the back,
To sleep on the floor without his sweet bed.
Sooner after he was joined by Kitty,
And not by her choice. As he dropped her in, McFee said,
“You two will not wake me again ‘cause I need my sleep.”
Trigger glared at her, Kitty knew she was in trouble, and deep.

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